Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Prison Letters

Instead of sitting around feeling rejected, heartbroken and drunk, I decided to soothe my mind by taking up a new hobby: writing to prisoners!

I woke up at the ungodly hour of 7am on Saturday morning after an entire Friday spent day drinking, bashing around Manhattan and falling on my ass in marble hallways. Hungover, with no hopes of getting back to my dreams, I took refuge in the inner recesses of the Daily Mail website after fate caused me to click something linking to that Miami bath salt cannibal story. From there I discovered Luka Rocco Magnotta, a Canadian gay porn "star" who was on the run in Europe after killing his lover from Hong Kong with a pick axe and then fucking and eating his corpse...on videotape.  I totally want to put an exclamation point at the end of that sentence but I feel like it would be excessive. So I won't! 


Anyway, there's rumors that Magnotta, despite his professional and personal proclivities towards men, was at one point romantically linked to my favorite serial killer Karla Homolka (wiki). Despite some of the shit she did I can actually see how under the right circumstances her crimes could be considered at least a little bit sexy. I realize that's totally fucked up and wrong and sickening but like, with the right charismatic dude leading the way, maybe kidnapping a bunch of young virgins could be considered hot (in a fantasy context)? Of course, actually acting on these "kinks" and killing and raping a bunch of innocent girls (including your own teenaged sister) just to get your S.O.'s dick hard is reprehensible. Duh. I've read almost all of the court documents that are available to the public and it's fascinating how an otherwise competent person could unleash all this evil and carry on living like it ain't no thing. I feel like I'm rambling now (thanks be to wine), but there's this home video of the couple dubbed "the fireside chat" that was shown during her husband's trial and, if the transcripts are to be believed, it's pretty vile. They film this role-play that is basically the pinnacle of subversion where Karla performs fellatio on Paul while pretending to be her dead sister. I quote: "I love licking your ass, Paul. I'll bet Tammy would have loved to lick your ass. I loved when you put Snuffles up her ass." So um, JESUS CHRIST. This world is insane.

When I got home from work today I decided to read some more about this lovely couple, you know, to clear my head, but I think I've exhausted every internet resource on their crimes!!! There's literally nothing on the WWW for me to learn unless I go on Amazon and order some shitty crime paperback about the case which would be pointless since I could write a shitty paperback about this myself by now. "Killer Kink" "Unholy Union" "Beware of Blonde People." So, with this, my solitary source of happiness and entertainment, almost extinguished, I decided to take matters into my own hands. After reading through years old forums filled with misspelled posts by the biggest retards you can imagine, all clamoring to write serial rapist and brutal murderer Paul Bernando a letter, I, a logical smart young lady, finally unearthed the address of his home at Kingston Penitentiary. After many attempts at writing a letter with the right balance of levity, condemnation, forgiveness and sexual charge, I settled on the following:

Do you think he will respond?

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