Monday, June 11, 2012

Call Me Maybe

I just need to quickly thank Carly Rae Jepsen for her commitment to archaic lyrics. I don't know if I could've dealt with a megahit single called "Text Me Maybe," even if it's true that everyone under the age of 25 refuses to verbally communicate on their phones. We all know rappers and hip hop artists often date themselves by including references to things like Beepers, T-Mobile Sidekicks, and defunct phone providers (who could forget the classic yet distractingly irrelevant moment from "Bills, Bills, Bills" when Beyonce crooned "tell MCI to cut the phone poles"). In this case, it's sort of punk of Carly Rae to subvert the popular technology of our times (Skype, Gchat, Facebook, etc) in favor of a method that allows for actual, nuanced communication.


Seriously though, fuck texting. Like, unless you're my gay friend [name redacted] who uses an average of 18 Emojis per text, I probably have no idea what the hell you're talking about. This is especially true when it comes to dudes I want to kiss on the mouth. Forget what's lost in translation, it's the things that are added in translation that you need to watch out for. 

For example, on May 23rd at 9:19am I texted the boy whose apartment I just left "Bye! Have a good day :)"


Did you notice the extra exclamation mark on the end of his response??? 

OBVIOUSLY he loves me, why else would he take the extra effort to type out egregious punctuation? The sickening depths to which I read into that exclamation point at the time are scary to look back on. 

Then, in addition to the myriad ways you can lose your shit over interpreting a text, it's also impossible to send one without first tirelessly running through every possible permutation of what you're trying to say. Good luck trying to avoid sounding clingy, detached, desperate, slutty, awkward, eager, bored, etc. because no matter WHAT kind of text you decide on, as soon as it's sent you'll INSTANTLY REGRET IT.

My fav ladyblogger CRUMPETS explains this phenomenon best:

Would our hearts, minds and vaginas be in such turmoil if people still called each other? Probably not, because we'd have awesome things like a live dialogue, speech inflection, and verbal cues in the mix to cut down on our anxiety. I'm not trying to imply that every girl feels this way, but I know that I've recently been driven mad by trying to keep things going via text (even though it's hard to do when guys ignore your 4am emoticons. Sorry, but what could be more romantic?).

Like, I know it's dumb, but it hurts when a guy just up and ignores a wild boar you typed out just for him. Yes, psychotic infatuation can survive these kinds of indiscretions, but can love?

Apparently not, since the relationship I used in this case study has slowly been fizzling out since May 23rd's extra exclamation point. Plans have been scheduled, canceled, and rescheduled to no avail due to the fact that he's constantly busy with rehearsals and music and "weird plays." So Brooklyn. After the third time he claimed to be "busy as all hell" I vowed never to text him again. I know from previous experience that it doesn't take this much effort if a boy is actually interested in you but I can't help but feel tempted to text him just one last time. Luckily, I brought my laptop to a cafe with no WiFi today so I had plenty of time to mull it over in TextEdit:

The answer that will preserve my dignity is obvious, however, the horrible, ill-fated choice I will make is still undecided. Whatever. Can't help but feel that this could all be avoided with a simple phone call. Ring Ring Ring Ring. If only life were so easy.



  1. My favorite part is the use of Text Edit for minimal-bullshit, no-frills life decisions.

    Also, mental illness tag = totally unearned here.

  2. Don't know if this helps at all, but Venus has been retrograde since May 15th and will go direct on June 27th. This happens once every 1 3/4 years. Venus rules predominantly over relationships and beauty, and since it's retrograde right now, its influence is either muted or backwards. The experience of a relationship fizzling out can be expected, but it doesn't necessarily mean it'll stay that way. Past lovers returning for either reconciliation or closure is possible too. It is advised during a Venus retrograde period not to start relationships or drastically change our appearance. It is a favorable time for experimental dating and re-evaluation of one's approach to relationships.

    Anyways, I don't know what anyone is supposed to do with that information, but I thought I'd throw it out there!